Annie arrived at Elim House this spring after two consecutive suicide attempts failed. Her social worker happened to call after the second attempt, which she took as a sign to get help.
Recently, Annie admitted to having suicidal thoughts again, contemplating jumping from the balcony of our women’s shelter. She expressed feelings of hopelessness, mentioning her two daughters: one in North Korea and another daughter in China. Annie feels tremendous guilt and anxiety over her daughter in North Korea. She recounts a difficult pregnancy where she nearly miscarried at eight months. After having a dream about a snake dying, she woke up to find that she was bleeding and rushed to a hospital that was able to save her baby. However, she now feels responsible for her daughter's seemingly unfortunate life, believing she brought her into the world to suffer.
Annie was divorced when she defected from North Korea and had to leave her daughter with her own father. After her father passed away, no relatives would take her daughter in, and the child was forced to live on the streets as a "Kotjebi" (a term for North Korean street children).
Although her daughter is now married with a child of her own, contact has been severed for three years. The last Annie heard, a phone call with her led to her daughter being monitored, and her son-in-law was imprisoned as a result. Feeling immense guilt that she may have caused this misfortune by "saving" her daughter at birth, Annie has sought out fortune-tellers and participated in "gut" (a shamanistic ritual) in an attempt to help her.
As for her daughter in China, Annie’s sense is this daughter only views her as a source of money, giving her an unwillingness to contact her.
Currently, Annie suffers from physical ailments, including difficulty breathing, trouble sleeping, and swollen tonsils. She also mentioned having a strained relationship with her son-in-law's sister who lives in South Korea, after lending her money that was never repaid. Annie describes herself as a very trusting person due to her affectionate nature, which has led to her being frequently scammed and having trouble managing her finances.
Annie has frequent and extreme mood swings along with dizziness due to stress. Despite her tears and stating that she has no reason to live, she has also mentioned wanting to prepare for getting a commercial driver's license. She tried Pilates for the first time with a volunteer from the US and said she enjoyed getting “a good workout that made her sweat a lot!”
The Elim House summer retreat took place this past week, which Annie attended. She often was alone, sitting by herself off to the side or in the back, intentionally not wanting to engage with anyone. Her tough exterior and firm expressions mask her sensitive side and keep others at a distance. But as the retreat came to a close, the women shared their reflections from their time together. Annie shared that though she wasn’t religious, hearing about God’s goodness and grace, not just from our staff and volunteers, but from other refugees in attendance, made her curious to learn more about this God.
